Stop Asking Your Partner to Fill a Void They Can’t Fill: The Real Work of Relationships

Hey everyone,

How many times have you looked to someone else to solve your problems, fill a void, or make your life magically fall into place? We’ve all been there—expecting our partner, friends, or loved ones to be the answer to all of our struggles. But here’s the uncomfortable truth: no one else can be the fix for your inner turmoil, and no one else is responsible for making your life work.

I’ve learned the hard way that putting that kind of pressure on someone you love isn’t just unrealistic—it’s damaging. When we ask our partners to fix us or fill a spiritual or emotional gap, we’re not just setting them up for failure; we’re also missing out on what a real, healthy relationship should be about.

The Trap of Expecting Too Much

There’s this unspoken expectation many of us carry that our partners should “complete” us. We expect them to make us feel whole, fulfilled, and content, as though they’re the missing piece to our puzzle. But when we dump those expectations onto another person, we put them in an impossible situation. They can’t fix your inner struggles, and it’s unfair to expect them to.

And let’s be honest, we’ve all felt that pang of disappointment when our partner didn’t meet the lofty expectations we set for them. But that’s not on them—that’s on us.

The thing is, this isn’t about lowering your expectations of the relationship; it’s about realizing that the deepest parts of your well-being and fulfillment don’t come from another person. They come from doing your own inner work.

Releasing the Pressure

Once you stop looking to your partner to be the one who “saves” you or makes everything better, you actually free them. You stop seeing them as someone who needs to perform a role in your life and start seeing them for who they really are—a person with their own struggles, dreams, and gifts.

It’s amazing what happens when you release that pressure. Suddenly, your relationship stops feeling like a transaction—"I need you to make me feel good, and if you don’t, something’s wrong.” Instead, you start to appreciate the real, tangible ways they show up for you, not as a savior, but as a partner, an equal. You begin to see them not as someone to fill your gaps but as someone who brings their own unique light into your life.

The Real Work of Relationships

So, if your partner isn’t responsible for filling your emotional or spiritual void, what are they there for? Relationships are about growth, mutual support, and love—but none of those things work if one person is relying on the other to “fix” them.

The real work of relationships happens when two people commit to their own growth and, in doing so, inspire each other to do the same. When you’re not using your partner as a crutch for your unmet needs, something amazing happens. Your energy, your attention, and your devotion can move toward them in a way that’s pure. You can genuinely focus on their well-being, not as a means to an end for yourself, but because you truly want the best for them.

When both people are doing their own inner work, that’s when the relationship thrives. You no longer see your partner as someone who has to “fill” you, but as someone who adds to an already full and rich life.

Devotion to Their Growth

When you’re no longer weighed down by unmet expectations, your love becomes something deeper. You stop asking, "What can they give me?" and start asking, "How can I help them shine?" You want their inner jewel to sparkle. You want them to feel supported, seen, and empowered to be their best self.

This kind of devotion—to your partner’s growth—doesn’t mean you lose yourself in the process. In fact, it’s the opposite. By not relying on them to complete you, you can be fully present for them, and they can be fully present for you. That’s where real love and connection come from—not from filling voids, but from being two whole people supporting each other’s journeys.

At the end of the day, we all want to feel loved, understood, and supported. But that doesn’t mean making someone else responsible for filling our inner void. That’s our work to do.

When we stop asking our partner to fix us and start focusing on our own growth, we’re able to love them more fully and more authentically. We can appreciate them for who they are, not for what we want them to be.

So, stop putting the pressure on your partner to be your everything. Instead, focus on being present in the relationship, on supporting their growth, and on doing the inner work that makes you feel whole. That’s where the magic happens.

With Love,

Gene Quiocho